Ah~, life and the contradictions it carries.
I don’t like it when people know what’s going on in my heart and mind, and yet I am the type of person who naturally can’t keep her thoughts and feelings shielded from the outside world. For starters, my eyes always betray me. A friend just blatantly told me recently that however hard I try to look happy and carefree, when something’s weighing on my mind, it just shows through my eyes. Next comes my ultimate need to let out what bothers my mind, through written or spoken words, or else I’ll go crazy on my own. Me going crazy includes not being able to think, sleep or wake up, and getting sick. Fortunately, I never lose my appetite, but that’s not the point. It’s a personal disaster when I go crazy.
With regards to this matter, I’d tried resorting to not having feelings, but failed miserably, since I’m still human. So now I basically have to find a way to deal with having my feelings exposed to people around me from time to time.
‘What’s wrong with people knowing how you feel?’, you may ask.
This may be influenced by the circumstances in which I grew up, but I think feelings show vulnerability and weakness, and boy, do I not want to be seen vulnerable. People who are close to me probably already know that I am not the “damsel-in-distress” type of girl, constantly waiting and happily wanting to be saved by a prince on a white horse. I’m waiting for my prince alright, but if he’s gonna save me from some dragon, he’d better let me fight it together and make a movie based on that adventure. What. I just always believe that I have to be happy and strong, so that I don’t become a problem for the people around me. Also, let’s be honest here. In this world, not everyone can be trusted with other people’s vulnerability. *wink wink*
So yeah, it’s hard for me to accept that people can and will eventually see what’s up in my head (or heart, whatever). But today I’ve come to the realization that since there’s nothing I can do about it, it can probably be a positive thing for me if I just figure out what best way to use it. I’m kind of tired of having to take so long writing stuff because I’m afraid that if I don’t tone down certain things, people will figure out how it’s related to my life. I’ve always loved creating stuff, and this constant fear of having my feelings betray me is starting to hinder me from creating at all. Also, I’m kind of tired of missing out on great stories in my life, because I worry too much about what people would think if they knew how I feel about them, and so end up not being totally honest and open about it. It’ll take time though, before I voluntarily express my feelings to people. Come on, I’m over 20, I can’t just change like that. BUT, I am now less worried about people figuring out how I feel when they see me or read my stories and poems and tweets.
Ah~ feels so good to write about this. Now I can continue on my life happily. (And no, it did not take me 3 hours to finish this xD)
- cheers to all -
